Guide to Jewish Funerals and Mourning

The loss of a loved one often leaves us at a loss, bewildered, un-moored, unsure what our next steps are. Fortunately, Jewish tradition grounds us in time-honored rituals that have enabled others to walk this path before us. Our synagogue strives to help every mourner walk the path of mourning in their own unique way and to support them throughout the process. [The follow with] a few principles guide all Jewish funeral practices. 

• Kavod HaMet (Respect for the dead) A human corpse is no longer considered a person but rather the sacred vessel which once housed a human soul. As such, it is treated with utmost dignity and respect from the time of death until the time of burial. Practices that follow from this principle include: Shmirah (guarding the body so that it is never left alone) and a closed casket at the funeral.
• Democracy - The Talmud reports that at one time funeral expenses became so great, that families would flee town to avoid them. To address this situation, the rabbis determined that in death everyone would be treated equally. In short, “you can’t take it with you.” Practices that follow from this principle include: burying in a plain white burial shroud and using a plain pine box as a casket.
• Death is natural - Judaism views death as the normal, natural end of life. “For dust you are born and to dust you return.” Jewish burial practices facilitate the body’s return to its origins in the earth and seek not to impede the process. Practices that follow from this principle include: burial in the ground in a wooden box, not embalming, and not cremating.
• Judaism encourages the mourner to confront death and to move through the process of mourning. In Judaism, there is no denial of death. The casket is buried at the funeral; mourners shovel dirt into the grave. The process of shiva and shloshim turns our attention away from our daily business and activity and forces us both to confront our loss and, slowly but surely, to begin the walk back into life. It is the responsibility of the community to comfort and care for the mourner and to help him to find his way back from grief into life.

With these principles as guideposts, we can readily understand all traditional Jewish mourning practices. This is one of the wisest aspects of our tradition and when we ourselves confront death and find ourselves unmoored, we do well to take guidance from the accumulated centuries of Jewish wisdom.

What follows is a guideline to B’nai Jacob’s funeral practices. In all cases, except where otherwise noted, these are the recommendations of our rabbi and B’nai Jacob’s Funeral and Cemetery Committee. Our recommended funeral homes have been provided with these guidelines and will share them with the families they assist.

However, these are in no way to be understood as requirements, unless otherwise noted. Death and mourning are highly personal and each family has to make its own decisions about which practices it will follow.

Shmira (Guarding)

It is traditional Jewish practice for the body of a deceased person not to be left alone from the time of death until the time of burial out of respect for this sacred vessel which once housed a human life. Traditionally, people take turns sitting by the casket and reading Psalms. The funeral home can make arrangements with the local Chevra Kadisha (burial society) for shmira.

Tahara and Tachrichin
(Purification and Shrouds)

It is customary for the body of a deceased person to be ritually purified in preparation for burial. It is a very beautiful process, again performed by the Chevra Kadisha, with utmost respect for the deceased. At the conclusion of the tahara, the body is clothed in traditional, plain white linen shrouds. Their simplicity emphasizes equality. The kittel (traditional robe) has no pockets, reminding us that nothing comes with us when we die other than our good name.

Burial

A Jew is traditionally buried in a plain pine box, again symbolic of our fundamental equality. Other fancier coffins are available but must be kosher. Jews are traditionally not cremated. In the event that a cremation is performed, the rabbi will only officiate at the funeral at the funeral home. Because it is our responsibility to facilitate the body’s return to the earth as quickly as possible, funerals should be scheduled as soon as possible following the death, though not on Shabbat or Jewish holidays. Funerals are not to be postponed for the sake of convenience. Jewish bodies are not embalmed unless required by state law, again to facilitate a speedy return to the earth. Our rabbi will not officiate at a funeral with an open casket. Gazing at the dead body and commenting on how good he or she looks is not part of Jewish tradition and is not considered respectful of the dead. We do not “pretty up” the deceased for funerals. If the family desires, a private viewing can take place at the chapel prior to the funeral.

Funeral

Most funerals begin at the funeral home or synagogue with a chapel service. The chapel service consists of the reading of a few psalms, the eulogy, usually delivered by the rabbi, and the recitation of El Mole Rachamim, the traditional funeral prayer. At many funerals today, it is common for one or two members of the family also to speak about the deceased. The rabbi will lead the mourners in tearing keriah prior to the funeral. The torn ribbons are meant to symbolize the tear in our hearts.

At the conclusion of the service, pallbearers carry the casket to the hearse and the funeral procession makes its way to the cemetery. At graveside, the casket is lowered into the grave, a few prayers are recited, and participants are invited to shovel earth into the grave. This is the final, loving act we can perform for the deceased. Burying the dead with everyone present drives home the finality of death. The service concludes with the first recitation of kaddish.

Shiva

Following the burial, mourners return to the home where they will sit shiva. It is customary to wash one’s hands after leaving a cemetery and water is usually made available outside of the shiva home on the day of the funeral.

Mourners return home and eat a Seudat Ha’hav’ra’ah (a meal of condolence.) It is a mitzvah to eat this meal even though food is usually the last thing people are thinking of. It reminds us that life  goes on. Traditional foods served at this meal included hardboiled eggs and lentils, both symbolizing the circle of life.

Shiva means seven. The correct number of days to sit shiva is seven! Today, it is customary for many non-Orthodox Jews to curtail the process, and sit for only a few days. While each family must ultimately make its own decision, both rabbis and therapists who deal with grief advise against curtailing shiva. The world, according to Jewish tradition, was created in seven days. The death of a loved one is the equivalent of the destruction of a world - it takes at least seven days to begin the process of rebuilding. More than that, grief counselors note that a person is typically in shock for 3-4 days following a death and can’t really begin to receive consolation until the numbness wears off. So, one may not even derive the benefit from the early days of shiva.

Shiva Practices

• Mourners disengage from all worldly concerns, as best as possible, to focus on mourning. Traditionally, they do not prepare meals, leave the house, or conduct business. Others take care of buying and preparing food and serving the mourners. Mourners bathe for cleanliness but do not take luxurious baths, they do not shave or put on makeup, and they abstain from sex and other pleasurable activities for the week of mourning. All of these practices focus the mourner on mourning and away from worldly cares.
• Mourners traditionally sit on a low stool. This symbolizes the mourner’s depressed state. The mourner, of course, does not need to sit all the time.
•  Mirrors are traditionally covered in a shiva home, again to reinforce the lack of concern with vanity.
• Minyan takes place at the home except on Shabbat. Many people hold just an evening service; some hold more. Congregation B’nai Jacob’s members and clergy lead shiva minyans and also help constitute a minyan when there is a need. This is an opportunity for the mourner to say kaddish daily, surrounded by her loved ones and friends.
• A shiva is not a party. Conversation should be subdued. Traditionally, one does not greet the mourner but waits to be greeted, allowing him to set the tone. This is important throughout the shiva visit – cues are taken from the mourner. So, if he wants to talk about his loss, that should be encouraged. If she wants to talk about baseball, that is also OK. But, the mourner should lead, not the comforter, and one should never try to distract the mourner from their loss or minimize it in any way. It is helpful to share memories of the deceased, to remind the mourner how much the deceased loved them, and to encourage their reminiscing. It is not helpful to say things like, “You are lucky you had him for so long,” or “You have to get on with your life,” or “It is a blessing in disguise,” or “Don’t cry,” or “It was God’s will.” If the mourner herself says these things, that is entirely different.
• Shiva is counted from the funeral to the beginning of the seventh day – thus, if a funeral is held on Wednesday afternoon, shiva would end the following Tuesday morning. It is customary to get up and walk around the block at the end of shiva to signal the end of the period of mourning and a return to other activities.
• Jewish holidays take place during shiva present special circumstances. Consult with the rabbi about how to count shiva should this be the case.

Sheloshim and Shana (The Month and Year)

Kaddish is said in a minyan – for a parent for 11 months; for a spouse, a sibling or a child for one month. During this period of mourning, mourners resume work and sexual relations, but it is customary to abstain from other pleasurable activities like parties or entertainment. Each person needs to find his path within these practices – will she say kaddish every day or only on Shabbat? Will he watch TV but not go to theater? Both the practice of saying kaddish and the change in routine activities keep us focused on our mourning and on our spiritual state as we travel the journey back to life. Someone once offered the blessing to “have the patience to mourn.” These practices help us do just that.